You're Stronger Than You Think

Have you met our #3, the beautiful, fair skinned, clear blue eyed, petite Morgan Jane?

If not, you should.  But don’t expect a hug or smile.  That has to be won.  Mo Mo, Moski, Mo-gan, Moskito is our first girl that came after two rough and tumble, adventurous boys and boy did she catch us off guard.  She is smart, sassy, emotional, and very sure of what she does and doesn’t want in life.  She’s also 2, and has taught me in many ways about strength. 

Over the years I have been given several words of advice.  Most have been helpful, but every now and then there have been kind words given that simply have not been true in our life.  “You deserve a good one, you only get difficult babies and or kids when your life can handle them,” was one we heard often while pregnant with Morgan.  And it was true in the sense that if ever I needed an easy child it was then.  During the first year of her life we had some of our greatest challenges to date.  As mentioned in the previous post, John was diagnosed with his health issues when Mo was just 2 weeks old.  A few months later we found out Baron (4 years old at the time) was allergic to almost everything as far as food goes.  Soon after figuring out what was making Baron sick my younger brother had an unexpected emergency brain surgery that almost took his life.  All the while I was working full time managing a large and demanding apartment complex from home with the kids.  We were hoping to get out of that job and buy a house when the company that John worked for, which wasn’t doing well, started making deep staffing cuts and downsized like crazy.  We thought he was safe since the department he works for was already a skeleton crew, but cuts are cuts and he joined the ranks of the unemployed.  He was eventually re-hired in a new position, but was then overworked and overwhelmed, which wasn’t helping his health.  Not feeling content with the solution he began job searching for a better fit for the family, but I digress, that’s a story for a different post.  A few months following these shenanigans John was asked to do a more time consuming calling at church, which was a blessing, but it sure took a lot of time that was already scarce.  All of that combined was pretty overwhelming-it was one of those situations that anyone would have agreed necessitated an “easy baby”.

We soon found out that Morgan had other plans, and we had our work cut out for us. 

                                   (This is her shushing the photographer for asking her to smile)

Oh how I love this girl.  Her first week of life was pretty calm and blissful.  Then when she was just barely 1 week and a mere 6 pounds we almost lost her.  It was the beginning of her horrendous acid reflux, only her little body wasn’t strong enough to eject it fully at first, causing her to choke and for the “reflux” to block her airways.  Watching her struggle, eventually turn purple and go limp is one of those terrifying moments I would rather not re-live.   Thankfully it took just one breath into her mouth for her to get just enough air to be ok until the paramedics were able to arrive and give her more oxygen on their way to the hospital.  From then on she grew stronger each week, but so did her acid reflux.  Her body figured out how to fully eject what it was rejecting and she would projectile vomit everything in her stomach up and out of her car seat onto the floor.  It was shocking, but impressive for such a petite little thing.  All during feedings she would gag and cry while trying to get food down and would throw it all up and more a few minutes later.  I can’t tell you the number of times I was in tears over the helpless feelings I felt from not being able to help her.  Our Dr.’s weren’t really listening and didn’t seem too concerned since she put on a little weight each week. (Not really sure how that happened!)  Medicine helped a little, but then had the adverse side affect of giving her horrible diarrhea.  It was a lose-lose situation.  She would fall asleep at night and sleep a few hours straight but then woke up screaming in pain and would cry off an on for the rest of the night.  On average we were getting just a few hours of constantly interrupted sleep each night.  Then in the morning I would need to be up, showered and dressed for work and have Jackson off to school before 8.  I was exhausted and worn out to say the least. 

If I had known beforehand we were going to be thrown all those trials, especially all of those at the same time, I wouldn’t have believed it.  I would have been adamant that I could not handle those.  I wasn’t strong enough.  I am sure most of us have at one time or another looked at someone else’s life and their challenges and thought, “I could never do that.  They must be a lot stronger than I am.”  I felt this way especially about food allergies.  Having pregnancies where I am so nauseous the whole time sort of ruined the whole cooking and eating thing for me for a while.  I couldn’t even stand in my kitchen for more than a minute or open the fridge without holding my breath.  I remember listening to a friend one day talk about her daughter being diagnosed with Celiac’s and all that it had changed in their lives.  My first thoughts were embarrassingly full of gratitude that we did not have to deal with any food allergies.  There was no way I could handle it… or so I thought.  Funny how some things come back to bite you in the butt.

Before I drone on too far about all that life threw at us I will get back to the point at hand.  Miss Morgan and the entire situation we faced that year was life changing for me- in good ways believe it or not.  I learned a lot about myself and about the enabling power of the atonement in that year.  It’s pretty rare that we love and enjoy our struggles and challenges, but there is always something to be learned from each one.  One of the many things I learned about was my own strength and willpower to survive and overcome.  I didn’t realize before what I was capable of.  In fact, I think many of us struggle to see what we’re capable of.  It’s part of human nature to find fault within our selves and become our own worst enemy.  But it’s all just a mind game.  We really all have it in us to dig deep and to do what needs to be done whether we believe that yet or not.  Just like adrenaline can arise in an emergency situation and give us the calm and even the superhuman strength we may need to lift cars, our inner self has that ability to rise up and get us through whatever may come our way in the form of trials.  We need to erase self doubt and believe more in ourselves.  I remember reading a talk about depression and the self doubt that often accompanies it and something really stuck out to me.  It mentioned just how good Satan is at knowing how to bring us down from not only temptations from others, but from our own thoughts and feelings.  That means those negative self deprecating feelings and emotions truly come only from Satan.  Just like we read in the bible that God brings light and joy, the adversary is the one that brings on that darkness.

The next time you are having those negative feelings, remind yourself who it is feeding you those lies.  Stand up a little taller, look in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk if it helps! “I see pride, I see power…” (Anyone else sad to see Cool Runnings leave Netflix?!)  Know also that it is ok to sometimes fail, and to not be the best.  I recently listened to a devotional given at BYU on March 3^rd by Jennifer Nielson, a teaching professor from the school’s chemistry and biochemistry department.  It was a short and inspiring devotional well worth your time.  The entire talk can be found HERE.  I loved when she talks about her daughter’s mindset during her track years and the difference between having a fixed mindset vs a growing mindset as well as the importance of experimenting.  We all need to be willing to make adjustments and change for the good to get the results we desire. 

And don’t forget about help.  We were not left on this world alone to face the storms.  One of my favorite things Jennifer Nielson also talked about was her family motto.  At first they had this family motto that “Nielson’s do hard things.”  This was all great and inspiring, until they came up against some bigger hurdles that became nearly impossible to overcome.  The mindset of we do hard things no matter what because of who we are was becoming a burden until they figured out they could indeed do anything, but with help.  They changed their motto to “Nielsons do hard things… with help from God and others.”  I absolutely love this! Heavenly Father has sent help in many forms.  Families, neighbors, friends, fellow church members, home and visiting teachers, etc, are all gifts from a loving Heavenly Father to get us through. 

Yet there are still those times when we may feel there is nothing anyone else can do to make your load lighter.  That is where the Savior and the enabling power of the atonement comes in.  When we put in our very best effort and turn the rest over to Him, He WILL hold you up.  I have felt this on a few occasions and it is a marvelous feeling.  During that year of craziness and little sleep I learned to pray for strength to endure instead of for my challenges to be reduced, and that is exactly what I received.  I somehow found the strength to get up each morning and do what needed to be done.  I found the strength to forgive and love more each day.  I found the strength to know which directions to go and how to take care of my family.  I found the strength to fully trust and believe in Him.  Every single day that I prayed with faith for that help I was strengthened.  He never let me down.  We made it through those storms and throughout it all we felt loving arms from Him and from loved ones on the other side supporting us constantly.  I will forever be grateful for the extra sweet spirit that was in our home during those times.  It was a great blessing to be given those trials and opportunities to learn and grow and to be forced to lean on others and the Savior. 

To end, let’s go back to my Morgan for just a minute.  As much as her stubborn independent nature frustrates me and keeps me on my toes, she has also shown me such great strength.  Strength in myself that I never knew I had and also the strength a spirit can bring to this earth.  When this girl loves, it is a fierce and passionate love that she does not let go of for anything.  Just try to tell her that you also love her Heather (the beloved favorite Aunt).  She will argue, defend and fight you over it without backing down.  Heather is all hers.  No one else can even dare take away one of her favorites.  On a lighter note, we discovered another one of her favorites to be snow.  We drove up to Crater Lake a few weeks ago to play in the snow and it was one of her happiest days.  She also ate a LOT of snow (and felt it the next day).  Big thanks to my dear friend Kim who captured some amazing shots while we were there, including this one, one of my all time favorites.  That is one happy 2 year old right there! I am so glad she was able to capture this moment of peace and joy we shared together.

Well that’s all I have for now on that! Don’t let anyone, even your own self ever convince you that you are too weak or not good enough. You can do hard things.  You are stronger than you think!!  I’ll leave you with my favorite scripture found in the bible.  

“I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.”

-Phillipians 4:13

**Stay tuned! I've got a few more post in the works about my constant effort to overcome bitterness amid trials as well as the power of friendship in hard times.